Pokerotica: Love in the Muck

If you are on twitter, and you follow poker players, then I’m sure you have seen #chipporn. Players tweeting pictures of mountains of chips seems to be a trend these days, though I must admit that I don’t understand the whole thing. Guess who doesn’t give a shit about you posting a picture of $600 in red chips at a casino in Kansas City? His name begins with F and ends with ox, and he has probably already unfollowed you on twitter.

With the growth in popularity of #chipporn, I thought maybe some poker themed erotica would be a good way to get some more traffic for this little blog. Sex sells right? If you aren’t in a place where it’s safe to think dirty thoughts about dirty, filthy, poker chips and dragging in huge pots from donkeys that you dominated with your big hands, you may want to close this blog post for now and come back later. You don’t want to have to carry a chip rack in front of your crotch while you walk to the cashier like a middle school kid with a math textbook.

You may notice that this column features a character named Banks, whom I have written about in the past. You can read the first fiction piece I wrote featuring Banks and how he got his name HERE.

Love in the Muck

Banks felt great as he sat down in the three hole, his favorite seat, and ordered an angry coffee. Banks liked his coffee like he liked his women, hot and sweet, with just enough liquor to make it interesting. His favorite dealer was standing behind the current dealer, waiting to get into the box and Banks smiled. This was going to be a good day.

The dealer’s name was Terri, and while her name tag just had an i at the end of her name, she put a heart over the i when she wrote her phone number on Banks’ business card and gave it back to him with a smile. “Call Me” was written underneath. She saw him as she settled in to the box and smiled.

“Hey babe.” she said.

“Hey doll face,” he replied, “how ya been?”

“Not bad.” she said, “lonely though.”

“I can help you with that.” came a voice from the other end of the table, “Any time.” It was Denny, who hit on every woman he met and never got anywhere. He was reviled by most of the female dealers who felt slimy after talking to him. Terri felt like she needed a Silkwood shower after dealing to Kenny, though he was physically harmless and not really a bad guy.

“I wasn’t talking to you Kenny,” she shot over to him, “my pal Banks here owes me dinner.”

“My girlfriend gets a little grumpy about me taking beautiful women out to dinner.” Banks said.

“That little redhead I saw you with?” Terri asked, “She’s cute, bring her along.”

Banks smiled at the thought of it. Sam would NOT be into that scene, but it would be funny to see her face if he brought it up.

“Your big blind sugar.” Terri said, tapping the table in front of him and bringing him back to the reality of the table. His vision of Sam’s face, half laughing and half shocked, had stolen his focus for a moment. He tossed a red chip onto the felt where it dropped softly with a barely audible thud. He looked around the table as Terri dealt, assessing the stacks and the appearances of the players around him.

Fish. Every one of them. It might be the softest $2/5 table he had ever seen.

The cards slid across the table silently into his hand and he watched as the fish each checked their hands. A limp under the gun from a player who was too new to the game to be limping a big hand intending to reraise if someone raised. Then another limp, and another. Six players limped, the small blind called, and Banks looked down at his hand. The Ace-Queen of diamonds. The queen just shone, like the ace was her date, like she was the star and the ace was just a good kicker. He raised to $50, hoping to take the pot down now or at least narrow the field enough that he could win the pot with top pair or win with a bet on the flop. Three players called.

Now the pot was over $200, and he only had $450 in front of him, so he could go all-in on the turn even if no one raised him. He loved going all-in. Shoving his whole stack in the middle was such a thrill. And if someone called and he was all-in with another player it was that much more thrilling. And if he went all-in it meant that Terri could get her hands on his stack. Terri had big hands. Big soft hands.

It was surprising how big they were now that Banks thought about it. Bigger than almost any woman he had ever seen. Her fingers were long, longer than his, which made him feel a little less like a man. But only a little. His hands were more than big enough to get the job down and he was good with them. Size wasn’t that important as long as he could shuffle chips. At least that was what he told himself.

Terri’s big hands snapped off three cards, turned them over, and slowly revealed the flop. The jack of diamonds was the window card, followed by the ten of diamonds, and then the four of spades. A beautiful flop. Draws everywhere and a couple big cards to give the donkeys a chance to make top pair. Thanks to Terri his hand was now very big.

He reached down to his stack, peeled off $100 in red chips off the tip, I mean top, and pushed it in. To the pot. He pushed it in to the pot. Slowly. The first player called, and then the next, but the last player folded.

“Three way.” Terri said, grinning and looking right at Banks as she burned a card and snapped the turn down on the table like she was punishing it. She could be rough with the cards sometimes, but that didn’t bother Banks. Rough was not a problem.

He watched the eyes of the other players as Terri slowly revealed the turn card. His first opponent was a young tourist kid, probably 23 and spending daddy’s money. His eyes lit up as he saw what Terri revealed. He obviously liked what he saw and his eyes flashed down to his stack revealing his intention to put it in, at least some of it. In the pot of course. He wanted to put it in the pot. He wanted to put it in the pot real bad.

Banks glanced over to see what Terri had revealed. He liked what he saw. He liked it very much. The five of diamonds. Banks had the nuts. He checked, hoping to get his opponents to go all-in with him. Terri looked a little surprised. Banks was usually very aggressive, and seeing him play passive like this was a side of him she had never seen before. He was making himself look vulnerable and she liked that.

The second player was eager, pushing his stack all-in quickly. Hard to fault him for that, he was young and inexperienced. It wasn’t a big stack, but it was big enough to get the job done if he knew what to do with it. Most players didn’t know what to do with their stack anyway, but Terri knew that Banks did. He was a pro and he knew exactly what to do with his stack, which was usually very big after he played with it for awhile.

The last player thought for a moment and folded. He was too afraid of Banks going all-in behind him, which he didn’t think he could handle. One guy he could handle, but two guys would be tough, especially when one of them was Banks.

Banks didn’t want to tease the guy, or Terri, so he quickly pushed all-in. Terri’s mouth opened slightly and she sighed. Now she understood why he had appeared vulnerable. It was an act. He was actually very strong and he had a big hand. The kid chose to reveal his holding first, rolling over his cards to reveal a nine-high flush. Banks quickly showed him his nuts. The nuts. Banks showed him the nuts, not his nuts. Of course.

When the kid saw what banks held, he knew he was beat. Banks flush was much bigger than his. His hand looked puny compared to what Banks showed him. He felt small and he meekly conceded, tossing his hand in face down. Terri’s big right hand swept it into the muck and started gathering the chips together in a pile, pushing them all together and sweeping them slowly over toward Banks. She looked up at Banks and smiled.

“Nice hand honey.”

“Thanks.” he said, and threw her a red chip, earning a smile.

Terri started the next shuffle, watching Banks stack his chips out of the corner of her eye. He had a big stack now, the biggest at the table, and she was curious to see how big it would get if she gave him what he wanted. Cards of course. Good cards were what he wanted. Big cards. Big cards that he could go all-in with and dominate the table. Terri sighed. She hoped Banks would use that phone number eventually.

The End

Well that was ridiculous. I made myself laugh, which was all I expected, but the story got absolutely ridiculous. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it really hard. Hard and fast. Because that’s how I wrote it.

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