Over the last year or two I have received some angry messages on twitter about what a miserable reporter I turned out to be. I quickly surmised that these were meant for Chris Wallace the reporter for Fox News, son of Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes fame. Then I started trolling…
You see, I was given a wonderful gift by the fates. Because my profile did not in any way indicate that I was the Fox News reporter, I was only contacted by the most clueless twitter users. Anyone with half a brain, or any internet savvy, would realize that I wasn’t him from my twitter profile, description, or recent tweet. So I got the most gullible, angry, lost twitter users and almost all of them were ultra-conservative.
Since the start of campaign season these random tweets have increased significantly. In the last two weeks they have increased at least ten fold because the other Chris Wallace (no not Biggie) will be moderating the final presidential debate. This was an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up. Allow me take you on a guided tour of some of my favorite moments so far.
Some tweets made me feel really good about myself and my future as a debate moderator.
Others weren’t so sure that I would be a good moderator, but I took it in stride, tried to put a positive spin on it, and even offered up a compliment at the end hoping to win over a viewer.
Many people contacted me to offer suggestions to help improve the debates. This inspired me to come up with my own unique ideas.
I tried to increase the realism of the whole thing by claiming that I had spoken with the candidates about their ideas.
I imagine some people were shocked at how biased a news reporter could be.
Others were probably surprised to find that I had already locked in my questions and wasn’t interested in hearing new ideas.
Others learned that I will go to great lengths to get to the bottom of things.
I was able to reassure some potential voters that I had info straight from the source.
I was also able to keep my twitter followers up to date on potential questions well ahead of the debate. I’m guessing Hillary goes with “Water Bong” while Trump’s answer is closer to “My butler rolls me a joint whenever I need one. They are the best joints. really.”
Mid-week there were so many tweets coming at me that I couldn’t reply to all of them. These were pretty typical.
I really like when people jump right on the fun wagon and join the party. This guy’s response was excellent.
When the tweets were ridiculous enough I resorted to fighting nonsense with nonsense.
Some of my followers were surprised to learn that I have a little bit of Hannibal Lecter in me.
An impartial moderator really shouldn’t disrespect the candidates, but sometimes it’s tough to control myself.
I thought I had a shot with this woman for a second there, but maybe I came on too strong…
And because I used #bondage in the tweet above, I was immediately added to a list of “fellow bondage lovers”. Put that on 60 minutes! Fox News Reporter Professes Love for Bondage on Twitter!
I did have some thoughts about making the debates more entertaining.
A good reporter never reveals his sources. Maybe I shouldn’t have busted Hannity on this one. He does always have the good shit around the office though. If you need a muscle relaxer, some Molly, or a bag of bathtub meth, whatever it is he can hook you up.
Here I discuss the importance of poll numbers with one of my followers.
A few people got out of hand with the #hashtags.
On of the highlights of this week on twitter was meeting a relative of one of my favorite celebrities.
I really hope my namesake at Fox News sees this idea and adopts it.
So far the polls show that I’m doing a great job! Of course, I did retweet this to my followers, so the numbers might be slanted, but it’s a poll and I’m viewed very favorably. Go me!
